The Postal Service: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight.

Smeared black ink.
Your palms are sweaty,
and I'm barely listening
to last demands.
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
"What's buried underneath where I am?"
(Where I am)

I'll wear my badge:
a vinyl sticker with big block letters
adhered to my chest.
It tells your new friends
"I am a visitor here... I am not permanent."
And the only thing keeping me dry is...

You seem so out of context,
in this gaudy apartment complex.
A stranger with your door key,
explaining that I'm just visiting.
And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving.
(I was the one worth leaving)

D.C. sleeps alone tonight.

(Where I am)
You seem so out of context
in this gaudy apartment complex.
(Where I am)
A stranger with your door key
explaining that I'm just visiting.
(Where I am)
And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving.
(I was the one worth leaving)

(Where I am)
The District sleeps alone tonight
after the bars turn out their lights.
(Where I am)
And send the autos swerving
into the loneliest evening.
(Where I am)
And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving.
why I was the one worth leaving.
why I was the one worth leaving.
why I was the one worth leaving.
---------------

How fitting.

I board the plan bound to So Cal in 2 hours. The rain began falling an hour ago. My bags are packed.

Heh...


... me again. This time to illustrate my wants. Scratch that. This will will a "stream of consciousness" type-of-affair. So whatever I type, stays there. No backspace... no wait, backspace DISABLED. Yeah, that sounds, erm, looks, yeah better.

I guess I need.

No.

I want to write, type, some things out. Jus' the stuff that's been floating around in my head. Like a snowball down a slope. Uhm, no. Like a snowball... fuck, lost it. Snowball effect, ok? First there was seeing Cour... No, before that. First there was saying goodbye to...

Let's do this:

First there was saying goodbye to Heather. Oh Heather. You're so fuckin' cool. Maybe you have an idea. Yet, you should know that. i felt so comfortable with you. That's rare. Not like I change myself for others but acting like MYSELF would only make things better between us. Like, I liked you. you were honestly interested in me. I jus' felt really good about it all. We'd watch the Daily Show together after cooking dinner together. Then we'd go lie around in your room. I'd pluck through your manga while you worked on your vague school work. You didn't seem to mind my snoring. I don't make any notice of your "bipolarness". There was nothing wrong. Nothing wrong but me.

Then I left.

As if the loss of Sarah was a cornerstone removed from the wall of stability that was my well-being. Things jus' started to dissolve for the next year. There were mishaps... No, things jus' stopped working out. Nearly no matter what it was.

Ok. So mentioning Sarah was a step back a YEAR, trust me, s'relevent.

After my goodbye to Heather, sweet Heather, things, no, the rate at which my life was deteriorating was rapid...no, was increasing... fuck. Things were getting worse faster and more often. Work... Dave... The Bills... Justin's court date. The house, then finally my desperate escape to my moms.

I'm taking this moment, right here, to mention that there was some good. Hope came back. Ellen was moral support for me, even though I don't think she knows. I had Aaron around as well as my brother. Courtney was... well, she was as she is now. That's better than nothing and I'm thankful. Then there was Onset. That was a glimpse at what I want my life to be more like. It will stay as a goal, a milestone, a marker of where I'm trying to go. Was such a good night and yet, like I constantly feel in my life, no, about my life, extremely ironic. I got to play after I found I had no choice but to leave. Practically no choice.

Back to despair. I would arrive here, shut off from friends and stifled in entertainment. Yet, still surrounded by... Constantly reminded of my inferiority. Weeks pass, hardly making any friend, money, or progress. I regress further. I lose touch, even more, with surviving. I don't eat as much. i don't smile, or talk to my family...

Wait.

So, I flew into NYC, didn't get to enjoy the city, twice (once I got there and again on the way out). Then I got to see Courtney. i could feel my heart imploding. A merciless vice squeezing it of all it had left. Wait, I meant "all that was left". I was affected. You could see it on my face. Well, maybe you couldn't. I did what I do best when I'm around goddess-made-flesh... I act indifferent. History has taught me, painfully, i.e Sarah, that being upfront and true only destroys things. It destroys myself. Not yourself, myself. Protect the world by making it feel that you want nothing to do with it.

It hurts.

Everytime.

So, the trip to see Courtney was 1% of what it should've, could've, been. I made things worse, though not as worse as they could've, would've been.

You follow?

So! Now I'm in VA, for weeks, unhappy. Slowly, slowly, sloooowwwwly, moving forward. I don't even know if that's what you'd call it. Living here, I would find that I don't relate to the people or the environment. I would walk around like an anomaly.

You ever feel like you jus' don't belong?

Think about that for a second. Yeah... -that-.

I'll eventually run into a girl that sparks something in me. Some sort of divine touch. SEE: "The girl with white hair". Yet, that, like all else is riddled with IRONY.

I jus' closed my eyes, went limp, and winced at the thought. The thought of all of the men that are living the lives that I want to live.

Any guy that Courtney dates.
Whomever is watching The Daily Show with Heather.
The guy sharing a round of drinks with Sarah and her friends.
The boy who's reading books alongside the white-haired girl in a park.
...while I'm here... Whomever it is that MLE is thinking about, well, you know on her mind.

I want to draw a cartoon, it'll end up being a music video. A character that may represent me. Doing a days worth of activities alone, but in settings in which there should be two. Waking up in a bed for two, making breakfast for two, taking a stroll and then having a picnic. Going on a bike... Scratch that. A bike ride then a picnic. Going out to dinner then dancing then walking home.

That's what it feels like.

Currently, my muscles ache in that way they feel sore when you're crying.

I'm not crying.

Back to life. So, I made friends with the white-haired-girl. It's good. There are nice visits. I lose the words i want to say. I get awkward. whatever. S'lost anyway. Meanwhile, I make shitty pay as a server. something I've not done before in my life. It's money though.

My last day is tomorrow.

I've made a few friends, some work related, some not. Still, I'm very much an outsider. As I've been my whole life. That's the way it is. Not bad nor good. Can make a guy sad sometimes. The 4th musketeer, perhaps.

This brings us, pretty much to tonight. I've jus' watched "Dr. Horribles Sing-Along Blog". Rare occurrence but it has, indeed, stirred some emotion in me. I guess s'no surprise as s'written by a comic writer. That's what many of them do best. They -identify- with their audience. That way, we feel a connection and an attachment to the characters depicted in their works.

So this brings me to two points. First, I'll get it out the way, the female protagonist's face has some Sarah-like quality to it. I can't put my finger on it but, seeing her face, I was taken aback. S'all so stupid. I'm sorry for sounding hung up. I really am sorry. Call it whatever you want but I jus' miss things. I miss it all. All that relationship fluff.

I'm so tired of being lonely.

At the same time, I want it to be -right-.

Anyway, second point. I really felt for the main character. All of it. It's so sad. I'm glad that it was written the way it was but still. So fuckin' sad. Depressing. ?I saw eye to ey with him, most of the whole way through.

I hate musicals.

This spoke to me though.

Fuck.

Well, that brings us to right.effin.now. I start my last day of workin less that twelve hours. I fly far away from here in about forty-eight.

I take comfort in risks and in the unknown. Though, only when it's faceless and somewhat reckless. I can't...no, haven't learned to do risks that are minimal and upfront. Approaching random girls, I find attractive, falls into that category.

Funny how I can jump headfirst into the mouth of a metaphorical/hypothetical abyss yet I'm too scare to talk to girls.

[Final note: S'been about a year. I'm going to desist disabling comments... Tch]

Walking past the local electronics monolith I spotted her.
... Stumbled upon her was more like it.

No, stumbled past her would be the truth.

I had to look again to confirm what I saw.

She sat there, white hair dimming out all other color in sight. Black frames suspended before ice-blue irises.
I can't even recall the time of day. The chairs were green, I remember that.

Did my step falter because she was surrounded by her male friends. Or, was I taken aback by her. Knowing me, it was probably... Well...
I wanted to see again. Luckily I was new to the area, there was no harm in walking towards the corner, looking around, feigning disinterest, and turning around.

So I walked back past them.

Yup. She was really pretty.

"Oh! Ask her about her hair, you like white hair." I thought during a brief moment of comfort. Ha, as if I would do that. Best lock your sights elsewhere and continue forward.

The air was warm and still.

In the coming weeks we would intersect each other within that tiny block of vendors. I'd try not to look. Though, I would pay a sliver of attention after our backs faced one another.

Through repetition I conjured that she worked not only as a dealer of liquid caffeine, she was involved with the cosmetology industry.

Sometimes I feel like a creep.

"How many times must you pass her by before talking to her?"

When did I develop a penchant for self-inflicted passive-aggressiveness? No matter. I'd push myself a bit.

Many failed attempts later, I would find myself passing her again. This time, her hair augmented. A length of green and yellow synthetic extension hung from her snowy locks.

I exclaimed "The Green looks good." Did I stammer?
She spoke back, with a turn and began walking backwards. I did the same.

There was a quick mention of extensions to which I remarked that I could tell. I just blurted it out nervously, really. Should I have been surprised that she returned my comment?

I was just stuck in admiration. I'm sure of it.

Days fell from the calendar.

Finishing work, I pushed forward into the rainy night. Rounding the corner I find, none other than the white haired girl, leaving the beauty parlor. She quickly ducked into the french cafe next door.

This became a moment in which my actions superseded my thoughts. My mouth spoke before I could tell it what I wanted to say.

We met.

I was relieved to have that done with. The thought alone of such interaction is a bit unnerving. I suppose infatuation has it's tolls.

Now, running into her was met with brief conversation. Nothing substantial, ever. Just the kind of talk that I'm not good at. Chit-chat. Words strung together in such a way that there is little effort in replies. Notions, comments, reflections, a penny a piece.

Through those exchanges we were able to find time for a prolonged visit. Through that I was able to arrange in stealing a few moments of her time.

We sat down, the dull roar of the other dining guests permeated the air. What followed was nothing out of the ordinary. A bit of introspection, laughter, anecdotes, explanations, and disclaimers. The things people talk about upon their first moments around one another.

The day prior was her day off. That was a topic of brief discussion. She mentioned that they perused the city and read in the park.

"His name is Johnny." She said.
"Oh." I replied.

I want so badly to report good things.

Two weekends ago, after I completed my job training, I took a bus to NYC and hung out with Eddie and his family for the weekend. That was good for me. they're good people, living a happy and comfortable life. It felt good to be a part of that. Eddie and i meandered around the city, wasting money. We could've definitely had more fun but we learned where to go and where not to go. I took a few pictures of the trip. They're posted on Myspace, Facebook, and Flickr. Notably, I went to the Baltimore Aquarium the week before and took a ton of pictures. That was fun. Not everything I wanted it to be. Although, the Aquarium was. Other than that, I met a bunch of video game playing guys. That's pretty fun. They're all better than me though. They all live much better lives too. Good guys, despite my inferiority complex.

Sometimes I think about it and i can't figure out what life is trying to teach me. Ok, that's a bit silly of me to say. I guess I should state: "-Is- life trying to teach me something?". I'm 25 now and I'm still not happy. I've passed the point of talking to people about it because they all say the same thing. No one can help me but me. Yet it seems that all my efforts in making me happy do nothing in the long run. Since '07 things have been sliding downhill. Events and people that were supposed to be good for me only lead to more pain. Old apartment, Japan, most of the women I cam into contact with, the new house, all thee room mates, the T1 line, the discovery that I have sleep apnea,Halloween, the new job, my birthday, my equipment, the seattle DnB scene, moving back to VA, visits up north. So many things.

Writing entries doesn't really make me feel worse or better about things. S'not like putting them here absolves me of my saddness. I guess s'only really something to do to pass the time until I can sleep again.

Life is so empty for me. In general, my health is really good. I sometimes conspire that s'that way to remind me that I'll never get away from being unhappy. I get to experience all of it without any limitation. S'never enough that s'truly terrible but I don't ever feel joy either. Almost everything I loved has been stripped from me. I get to be in perfect condition so that i can watch it all slip away.

If it were to drive me to a life of crime and debauchery then I would think myself a lesser man. Though, my ideals stop me from giving in to madness. what's left though? Intelligent retrospect on the facets of life that aren't working? If I wer to related how my life felt to me I could only best describe it as Seattle's weather. Generally jus' warm enough not to snow. Generally too cold to be really hot. Almost never heavy rain or thunderstorms. s'almost always a mute gray. Over cast. Drizzly. I'll admit, that right now, I want to cry. to think that everything's like that in my world. As if the sun doesn't shine for me. The rain won't fall for me. It seems that I won't smile for the world either.

Does the man who feels he has nothing have the right to be selfish? I bet not. Yet, I do. I feel selfish and disgusted for wanting a few simple things. Things that I can't afford.

Call me paranoid but I've walked through life feeling that something out there doesn't want me to be happy.

Save a soldier and send me to Iraq instead.

Hi guys. It's Shourtney, we're @ Aimee's birthday party, doin' our thing (erm... "thang"). Havin' a great time and boozin' too much (actually that's jus' Courtney). She says "ummm, I dunno" (followed by a "hehehe"... -_-). She still doesn't know, and I don't 'ave anything better to say. Yup. MMhhmm.

...

Goodbye world, have a good night.

Yours dually,
Shortney

PS: This was mainly dictated by Courtney and typed, uh ad-libbed, by Shariff.

PPS: She said "Ok!"

Bah.

Closer to the bottom. Never better, forever worse. I truly wish I never exsisted. I thought I was past this depression bullshit. I really did. Everything was going to be alright. I was going to be a happy person, a better person. I'm not, and I'm further away from it than ever. I'm losing everything that I ever loved. I enjoy nothing. I'm bitter, pessimistic, sad.

I want to walk into traffic. Jump off a bridge. Put myself in harms way for no valiant reason. I want to commit the most selfish act. I don't want to be here. I don't really want to be anywhere. There's nothing good in this world. If there is then I"m too selfish to appreciate it. I'm a loser. Worthless.

S'all so ridiculous. I've met my limit again. Being optimistic and keeping my head up hasn't helped me at all. Nothing's changed. Back to where I started. No happiness in sight. No hope in grasp.

I'm a loveless wreck. Broken in spirit and in wallet.

FUCK. I even feel as if I'm failing writing this. This crap. This pathetic bullshit. It will never get better for me.

So, I'm still alive. Well, if that's what you wanna call it. Things are pretty damn lame, actually. No "real" job, still trying though. I'm almost entirely out of money. Not to mention, because of free loaders and other stuff, we can't afford rent. Basically, we're evicted in 2 weeks or less. Gah.

If you've not noticed, s 6:44 AM. Some may say: "Why Shariff, it's a rare sight indeed to see you up so early." to which I reply "Grararararrrr (Bitch, I can't sleep...)". Well, I've "work" in about 5 hours, I guess I'm done trying to sleep.

I'm in a slump. A bit different from the "Oh man, so alone" rut I'm always in. This one is jus' general unhappiness. Wait... Okae, so, I was pretty unhappy to begin with. Now I'm unhappy AND dissatisfied. I'm jus' gonna 'ave to keep pushin' the job thing till it works. If it doesn't work in due time then... I dunno. Maybe move back in with mum... Arg.

I'm not sure if I've told you. I h8 Seattle. Not nearly as much as VA but still, not happy about this place. The scenery, the people, the nightlife. I'm through with it all. I've got friends here, jus' as I do with any other place but, I don't belong here. I'll find where I belong eventually. I'm confident that s' definitely not Seattle though. Probably not even in the Northwest, for that matter.

I know you've not missed me. I mean, I've not posted in like, 5 months? Bah, I may as well now, as I've soooooo much "free" time on my hands.

I'm sure I've some good news but I can't think of it at the moment. S'probably something tiny anyway.

T_T,
00000000

PS: Comments still disabled Jus' message of IM me or something if you've somethin to say.

He really is. Naz, is my twenty-year-old younger brother. He believes that him and I are misunderstood. Misread. He's completly correct, as far as I'm concerned. we hate to lie... but we really don't want you to feel bad. we DO try to hide things, but only becuase they won't raise questions or concerns. When it comes to someone who is special to us, we know what the deal is... yet, seven harder to hide the real truth from them. No, our lives are not suffering because we're without you. You will never understand. We're built to survive. we will keep doing so... nothing is "that bad". Honest. We don't want a pity party becuase we're creatures of logic... We KNOW that anyone's pity does NOTHING. Life will continue on regardless of wether or not we are happy... Regardless of whether or not you are there to aid our happiness. Yes, you're NOT there... we know this. Whatever, really. Please know that if you keep in contact and we know you're happy, our hearts will not stutter. We understand that the world does not revolve around us. We understand that every life is individual. We will forever see you as beautiful and we will forever only want you to be happy. Each and every one who is dear to us. We are creatures of logic, understanding, and sacrifice. The ends DO justify the means... If you are happy then we are grateful. S'not hard to understand. We give you an open mind, we can only hope that you give us one in return. We are and will be judged. We know this.... it happens constantly. We don't expect anyone to understand. We jus' want you to be happy. Apologies for looking/acting down. S'a bit to handle... Don't pity. Don't think that we want pity or remorse. We don't even WANT you to care. We really jus' want to see you smile.

It feels good.

We're selfish like that. Somehow, we grew up that way. We're selfish in the fact that we want people, who are special to us, to be happy. If everyone around us is happy, then everything is good. We don't expect you to understand. We don't expect anything. In fact, we generally know that we won't be understood. We're foolish and try anyway... It is impossible to be honest as well as keep everyone happy. This is a global truth.

Jus' leave us be. Live YOUR life. don't factor us in. Well, don't factor us in if it is in a negative connotatioin. Don't care about us becuasse we always care about you. Please, jus' hear what I"m saying and don't question it. We are fully capable of sustaining ourselves.

The more I write, the bigger the whole I dig. Just smile for me. Smile for Naz. We will be there to pick ourselves up. We will be there to pick you up. We trust you, so trust us.

RJD2: Making Days Longer

It's nice to hear you say "hello."
And how are things with you, I love you
But very soon it's time to go
An office job to do, I'm up here writing songs for you

It's nice hear your voice again
I've waited all day long, even wrote a song for you
It's strange the way you make me feel, with just a word or two
I'd like to do the same for you

Strange how a phonecall can change your day, take you away
Away from the feeling of being alone, pass the telephone

It's nice to hear you say "hello."
And how are things with you, I love you
But very soon it's time to go
An office job to do, I'm up here writing songs for you

It's nice hear your voice again
I've waited all day long, even wrote a song for you
It's strange the way you make me feel with just a word or two
I'd like to do the same for you

Strange how a phonecall can change your day, take you away
Away from the feeling of being alone, pass the telephone

Pretty much been in Seattle for four years now. I can state that the quality of my lifestyle is better. My level of happiness? Not-so-much. I'd be lying to say that I've not run into moments where I've found myself happy. Top of the world even. So, yah, I s'pose that's all that I can report. Life's still pretty lame but it has s'moments.

Ugh. why am I even still here?

Logistics- Machine

If you dont hurt me then I wont hurt you.
Im a machine, I got feelings too.
Since we said goodbye, its all seemed blue.
Somethings missing, what am I supposed to do.
-----

Happy Halloween...
00000000

The inevitable happened. Sarah's broke things off. I'm sure that anyone that knows me saw it coming. Everyone that knows me knows that I jus' can't be happy. Most people that know me also know that I've terrible luck. Not much of a coincedence that I manage to miss the bus, forget my keys, lock myself out, 'ave a terrible dae at work, find out that Freaknight was cancelled, then lost Sarah. I was ready for it to all end I know full well that it won't. Life's not done with me yet... it still has so much to teach me... so much to take away from me.

I've had a pretty lame weekend. Being all heart broken hasn't made it any easier. I've trued so hard to jus' stay holed up in my room, no luck as I've reached a resting capacity. I had work yesterdae, everyone's saying that I look terrible. People are worried... Layla told me that I could go home, but I stayed, I need help taking my mind off of this... this pain. I sicken myself that I've people worried about me. I don't want them to worry. They care though. S'all my fault anyway.

Fridae night, I cried for the first time in a long time... I cried so hard. I"m so pathetic. I cried till there was nothing left. I couldn't sleep. I jus' lied here, in a ball. Helpless. Marty called much later in the night. I found there was a party a few houses down. I went and tried to drink myself into oblivion. I learned, importantly, that all the alcohol in the world cannot numb this feeling. It stayed there all night. S'like an enormous pressure in my skull... when I lie still, I can only hear my heart beating. I jus' want to plunge something into it, destroying it, bringing silence.

Like tonight... S' 4:30 and I can't sleep. The moment I get relaxed, my mind is flooded and that feeling is back. I'm reminded that I'm not entitled to realxation, rest, love, intimacy, comfort, companionship, sex, closeness. In the end, the only person that's ever really there for me is me.

I'm such a jerk for saying that.

That's what it is now. Everyone's asleep. I've no one to console me but myself. That's how it always is. That's what life is making me believe it will always be.

All of those couples out there. People of all ages and walks of life. Enjoying each other. Experiencing joys and sorrow together. Holding one another. Kissing. Life's already proven to me that I don't need that. S'now striving to prove that I can't have that. Well, not the way I want it.

I've yet to find someone that understands me. Courtney and Naz are close... only due to the amount of time they've known me. Courtney actually -wants- to understand me. Naz's understanding comes from seeing me go through these things. Other than that, everyone misunderstands.

I feel unreal sometimes. I know that I don't belong but I usually feel so displaced. Do people not act like me? Why am I always being regarded to as -different-? Do I really do, act, and say many things that people don't normally do? Why can't people accept it?

One of the things that bothers me most is that I think I scared Sarah. I know I did. Entirely unintentionally. I wanted to give her all the space and time she needed. In the end, it seems that she didn't want to take the time to get to know me better and made her decision. She felt she knew where things were going. I can't say anything. S'her decision entirely. That's what it always is. You see, she's perfect even in the way she ended it. The other girls jus' disappeared. I never really knew what I did to lose thier romantic interest. It broke me on the inside. The possibilities ate away at me... They still do. Sarah, though, was still perfect. She talked to me about it, at least. At least now I know what she felt. Yes, it sucks real hard, but s'not my call. Not my decision to make.

I fucked up, again. I I I I... s'always me.

I throw around the word "perfect" a lot but why is that such a big deal? What the fuck is wrong with you people? I'm jus' now recalling people's reactions. Why IS it such a big deal? Are people so disenchanted that the believe that there's nothing out that that one can deem perfect? When I find something that fulfills my desires I'll deem it perfect. Courtney's the perfect best friend for instance. We 'ave enough differences to warrant interesting interaction. We can talk about anything. There's always trust there. Sure, we can't hang out, but that doesn't stop our relationship from being perfect to me. Sleeping, is perfect. Time passes, worries are washed away, if even temporarily. Sarah, in my life, was perfect. From looks to interests to personality. She was everything I wanted in a girl. Sure there's always a chance of running into another perfect girl for me but that doesn't lessen the validity of her exsistance.

I need something wonderful. I've been drifting along for so long. I fucked up. She'd say that she screws things up but in the end, I screwed up. I became comfortable. I believed in myself. I felt that it was okae for her to be concerned about what I thought of her because I -know- that I see nothing wrong with her. I thought that if I never had a problem with her than things'd be okae so long as she remained interested. Maybe my thinking was so wrong... but, for the first time in forever, I felt that I wasn't going to fuck things up. I was free to be myself. Life had to prove me wrong...

What's the point of human interaction when you can't let your guard down.

That's what I did.. I let my guard down. You'll agree that give myself out so easily. Opposite of my highschool self. Now, I'm an open book. You ask and I tell. I want to be your everything. Everyone else has bubbles. No one wants to be close. I'm punished for giving in to my feelings. I'm punished for giving into myself.

S'a terrible thought but I want to jus' fade away. I have sleep apnea... it'd be perfect for me to stop breathing in my sleep and never stop breathing again. That's the perfect death for me... to sleep and never wake up. Although, something tells me that I won't 'ave that luxury.

I jus' hate knowing that no matter what I do, or how I feel, I'm going to be smacked down. S'always that way and s'always been that way. Everything I love is taken away. Sooner or later. Without fail, life comes and snatches that which I take great joy in. S'depressing. I find myself asking "what CAN I have?". So far, life's answer is: Life; nothing more and nothing less.

S'like I'm forced to survive and nothing more. I can't die, nor may I be allowed to truly live. I get to see others rise and fall, yet I do not share thier experience. I was given the ability of observance yet not the benefit of living what I saw. Everydae, I witness and interact with people living life how I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. Unfortunately, I can only be me... apparently that's not good enough.


PS: I'm going to start wearing black eyeliner... I've nothing else to lose.

More beers and it still hurts,

O God why?

4 shots of Vodka and Six+ beers and it still hurts. Fuck.

I'm just sitting here staring at the screen. I can't type what I feel.

Though, crying doesn't really help anything.

S'one of those times when it feels that everything I do is wrong. S'totally got me down. Tonight, for instance... S'posed to be open decks @ LSC. I got my gear together, slected rekkids, called a cab, got there and it was CLOSED. Cabbed back... 22$ down... BAH. Not to mention, last night, Justing (3rd room mate) freaked-the-fuck-out and tried to bust down BOTH of Aaron's doors. Motherfucker was all aggro over "noise". Bullshit becuase he chose that room, even noted the problems with noise. Not to mention, no issuess for 8 months now. If anything, Aaron should be the one complaining as Justin and his girlfriend 'ave hilarious loud sex down there. Let's see, what else? I had people over on Fridae but I was wayyy late and most of them had gone... I felt like a bitch for inviting people over and not being there. Work's been alright... less stressful, but the other parts of my life are jus' making it hard for me to focus.

Then there's Sarah. the girl is fucking perfect. Reallyreally, everything I want in a girl. EVERYTHING. I can't read her at all though, and s'killing me on the inside. I wanna feel that things are going well and that she's not heading in the same direction that allllllllllllllll the others 'ave. I want to know that she's not losing interest. I want to know that she simply adores me. I can't tell though. She's some stressful things going right now. I'm telling myself to give her time and space. I don't want to be inconvenient. She's so great though. Her existence nullifies all that I've learn about what my life is. Soooo many things were jus' wrong with the world Sarah though? I don't understand it. S'almost as if someone reached into my mind and pulled her out. I dunno if she'll ever see this, maybe better that she doesn't. I'd hate for her to think I'm a creep when in reality I am entirely enamored with her.

I saved a text that she sent me to help restore my faith in the world and myself whenever I need it: "Fuck napping. Id rather hang out with you."

She's so fucking perfect.
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I'm sorry.