Mwaa'ity-mwa-ha?...

Youtube video blog nummer two!

2009-03-01T16:35:59Z

Youtube video blog GO

2008-12-24T12:06:53Z

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, So Do I.

2008-10-25T08:44:39Z

The Postal Service: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight.

Smeared black ink.
Your palms are sweaty,
and I'm barely listening
to last demands.
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
"What's buried underneath where I am?"
(Where I am)

I'll wear my badge:
a vinyl sticker with big block letters
adhered to my chest.
It tells your new friends
"I am a visitor here... I am not permanent."
And the only thing keeping me dry is...

You seem so out of context,
in this gaudy apartment complex.
A stranger with your door key,
explaining that I'm just visiting.
And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving.
(I was the one worth leaving)

D.C. sleeps alone tonight.

(Where I am)
You seem so out of context
in this gaudy apartment complex.
(Where I am)
A stranger with your door key
explaining that I'm just visiting.
(Where I am)
And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving.
(I was the one worth leaving)

(Where I am)
The District sleeps alone tonight
after the bars turn out their lights.
(Where I am)
And send the autos swerving
into the loneliest evening.
(Where I am)
And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving.
why I was the one worth leaving.
why I was the one worth leaving.
why I was the one worth leaving.
---------------

How fitting.

I board the plan bound to So Cal in 2 hours. The rain began falling an hour ago. My bags are packed.

Everything that I'm not.

2008-10-23T05:28:03Z

Heh...

... me again. This time to illustrate my wants. Scratch that. This will will a "stream of consciousness" type-of-affair. So whatever I type, stays there. No backspace... no wait, backspace DISABLED. Yeah, that sounds, erm, looks, yeah better.

I guess I need.

No.

I want to write, type, some things out. Jus' the stuff that's been floating around in my head. Like a snowball down a slope. Uhm, no. Like a snowball... fuck, lost it. Snowball effect, ok? First there was seeing Cour... No, before that. First there was saying goodbye to...

Let's do this:

First there was saying goodbye to Heather. Oh Heather. You're so fuckin' cool. Maybe you have an idea. Yet, you should know that. i felt so comfortable with you. That's rare. Not like I change myself for others but acting like MYSELF would only make things better between us. Like, I liked you. you were honestly interested in me. I jus' felt really good about it all. We'd watch the Daily Show together after cooking dinner together. Then we'd go lie around in your room. I'd pluck through your manga while you worked on your vague school work. You didn't seem to mind my snoring. I don't make any notice of your "bipolarness". There was nothing wrong. Nothing wrong but me.

Then I left.

As if the loss of Sarah was a cornerstone removed from the wall of stability that was my well-being. Things jus' started to dissolve for the next year. There were mishaps... No, things jus' stopped working out. Nearly no matter what it was.

Ok. So mentioning Sarah was a step back a YEAR, trust me, s'relevent.

After my goodbye to Heather, sweet Heather, things, no, the rate at which my life was deteriorating was rapid...no, was increasing... fuck. Things were getting worse faster and more often. Work... Dave... The Bills... Justin's court date. The house, then finally my desperate escape to my moms.

I'm taking this moment, right here, to mention that there was some good. Hope came back. Ellen was moral support for me, even though I don't think she knows. I had Aaron around as well as my brother. Courtney was... well, she was as she is now. That's better than nothing and I'm thankful. Then there was Onset. That was a glimpse at what I want my life to be more like. It will stay as a goal, a milestone, a marker of where I'm trying to go. Was such a good night and yet, like I constantly feel in my life, no, about my life, extremely ironic. I got to play after I found I had no choice but to leave. Practically no choice.

Back to despair. I would arrive here, shut off from friends and stifled in entertainment. Yet, still surrounded by... Constantly reminded of my inferiority. Weeks pass, hardly making any friend, money, or progress. I regress further. I lose touch, even more, with surviving. I don't eat as much. i don't smile, or talk to my family...

Wait.

So, I flew into NYC, didn't get to enjoy the city, twice (once I got there and again on the way out). Then I got to see Courtney. i could feel my heart imploding. A merciless vice squeezing it of all it had left. Wait, I meant "all that was left". I was affected. You could see it on my face. Well, maybe you couldn't. I did what I do best when I'm around goddess-made-flesh... I act indifferent. History has taught me, painfully, i.e Sarah, that being upfront and true only destroys things. It destroys myself. Not yourself, myself. Protect the world by making it feel that you want nothing to do with it.

It hurts.

Everytime.

So, the trip to see Courtney was 1% of what it should've, could've, been. I made things worse, though not as worse as they could've, would've been.

You follow?

So! Now I'm in VA, for weeks, unhappy. Slowly, slowly, sloooowwwwly, moving forward. I don't even know if that's what you'd call it. Living here, I would find that I don't relate to the people or the environment. I would walk around like an anomaly.

You ever feel like you jus' don't belong?

Think about that for a second. Yeah... -that-.

I'll eventually run into a girl that sparks something in me. Some sort of divine touch. SEE: "The girl with white hair". Yet, that, like all else is riddled with IRONY.

I jus' closed my eyes, went limp, and winced at the thought. The thought of all of the men that are living the lives that I want to live.

Any guy that Courtney dates.
Whomever is watching The Daily Show with Heather.
The guy sharing a round of drinks with Sarah and her friends.
The boy who's reading books alongside the white-haired girl in a park.
...while I'm here... Whomever it is that MLE is thinking about, well, you know on her mind.

I want to draw a cartoon, it'll end up being a music video. A character that may represent me. Doing a days worth of activities alone, but in settings in which there should be two. Waking up in a bed for two, making breakfast for two, taking a stroll and then having a picnic. Going on a bike... Scratch that. A bike ride then a picnic. Going out to dinner then dancing then walking home.

That's what it feels like.

Currently, my muscles ache in that way they feel sore when you're crying.

I'm not crying.

Back to life. So, I made friends with the white-haired-girl. It's good. There are nice visits. I lose the words i want to say. I get awkward. whatever. S'lost anyway. Meanwhile, I make shitty pay as a server. something I've not done before in my life. It's money though.

My last day is tomorrow.

I've made a few friends, some work related, some not. Still, I'm very much an outsider. As I've been my whole life. That's the way it is. Not bad nor good. Can make a guy sad sometimes. The 4th musketeer, perhaps.

This brings us, pretty much to tonight. I've jus' watched "Dr. Horribles Sing-Along Blog". Rare occurrence but it has, indeed, stirred some emotion in me. I guess s'no surprise as s'written by a comic writer. That's what many of them do best. They -identify- with their audience. That way, we feel a connection and an attachment to the characters depicted in their works.

So this brings me to two points. First, I'll get it out the way, the female protagonist's face has some Sarah-like quality to it. I can't put my finger on it but, seeing her face, I was taken aback. S'all so stupid. I'm sorry for sounding hung up. I really am sorry. Call it whatever you want but I jus' miss things. I miss it all. All that relationship fluff.

I'm so tired of being lonely.

At the same time, I want it to be -right-.

Anyway, second point. I really felt for the main character. All of it. It's so sad. I'm glad that it was written the way it was but still. So fuckin' sad. Depressing. ?I saw eye to ey with him, most of the whole way through.

I hate musicals.

This spoke to me though.

Fuck.

Well, that brings us to right.effin.now. I start my last day of workin less that twelve hours. I fly far away from here in about forty-eight.

I take comfort in risks and in the unknown. Though, only when it's faceless and somewhat reckless. I can't...no, haven't learned to do risks that are minimal and upfront. Approaching random girls, I find attractive, falls into that category.

Funny how I can jump headfirst into the mouth of a metaphorical/hypothetical abyss yet I'm too scare to talk to girls.

[Final note: S'been about a year. I'm going to desist disabling comments... Tch]

The girl with white hair.

2008-10-12T23:43:13Z

Walking past the local electronics monolith I spotted her.
... Stumbled upon her was more like it.

No, stumbled past her would be the truth.

I had to look again to confirm what I saw.

She sat there, white hair dimming out all other color in sight. Black frames suspended before ice-blue irises.
I can't even recall the time of day. The chairs were green, I remember that.

Did my step falter because she was surrounded by her male friends. Or, was I taken aback by her. Knowing me, it was probably... Well...
I wanted to see again. Luckily I was new to the area, there was no harm in walking towards the corner, looking around, feigning disinterest, and turning around.

So I walked back past them.

Yup. She was really pretty.

"Oh! Ask her about her hair, you like white hair." I thought during a brief moment of comfort. Ha, as if I would do that. Best lock your sights elsewhere and continue forward.

The air was warm and still.

In the coming weeks we would intersect each other within that tiny block of vendors. I'd try not to look. Though, I would pay a sliver of attention after our backs faced one another.

Through repetition I conjured that she worked not only as a dealer of liquid caffeine, she was involved with the cosmetology industry.

Sometimes I feel like a creep.

"How many times must you pass her by before talking to her?"

When did I develop a penchant for self-inflicted passive-aggressiveness? No matter. I'd push myself a bit.

Many failed attempts later, I would find myself passing her again. This time, her hair augmented. A length of green and yellow synthetic extension hung from her snowy locks.

I exclaimed "The Green looks good." Did I stammer?
She spoke back, with a turn and began walking backwards. I did the same.

There was a quick mention of extensions to which I remarked that I could tell. I just blurted it out nervously, really. Should I have been surprised that she returned my comment?

I was just stuck in admiration. I'm sure of it.

Days fell from the calendar.

Finishing work, I pushed forward into the rainy night. Rounding the corner I find, none other than the white haired girl, leaving the beauty parlor. She quickly ducked into the french cafe next door.

This became a moment in which my actions superseded my thoughts. My mouth spoke before I could tell it what I wanted to say.

We met.

I was relieved to have that done with. The thought alone of such interaction is a bit unnerving. I suppose infatuation has it's tolls.

Now, running into her was met with brief conversation. Nothing substantial, ever. Just the kind of talk that I'm not good at. Chit-chat. Words strung together in such a way that there is little effort in replies. Notions, comments, reflections, a penny a piece.

Through those exchanges we were able to find time for a prolonged visit. Through that I was able to arrange in stealing a few moments of her time.

We sat down, the dull roar of the other dining guests permeated the air. What followed was nothing out of the ordinary. A bit of introspection, laughter, anecdotes, explanations, and disclaimers. The things people talk about upon their first moments around one another.

The day prior was her day off. That was a topic of brief discussion. She mentioned that they perused the city and read in the park.

"His name is Johnny." She said.
"Oh." I replied.

Such misery.

2008-09-29T02:07:49Z

I want so badly to report good things.

Two weekends ago, after I completed my job training, I took a bus to NYC and hung out with Eddie and his family for the weekend. That was good for me. they're good people, living a happy and comfortable life. It felt good to be a part of that. Eddie and i meandered around the city, wasting money. We could've definitely had more fun but we learned where to go and where not to go. I took a few pictures of the trip. They're posted on Myspace, Facebook, and Flickr. Notably, I went to the Baltimore Aquarium the week before and took a ton of pictures. That was fun. Not everything I wanted it to be. Although, the Aquarium was. Other than that, I met a bunch of video game playing guys. That's pretty fun. They're all better than me though. They all live much better lives too. Good guys, despite my inferiority complex.

Sometimes I think about it and i can't figure out what life is trying to teach me. Ok, that's a bit silly of me to say. I guess I should state: "-Is- life trying to teach me something?". I'm 25 now and I'm still not happy. I've passed the point of talking to people about it because they all say the same thing. No one can help me but me. Yet it seems that all my efforts in making me happy do nothing in the long run. Since '07 things have been sliding downhill. Events and people that were supposed to be good for me only lead to more pain. Old apartment, Japan, most of the women I cam into contact with, the new house, all thee room mates, the T1 line, the discovery that I have sleep apnea,Halloween, the new job, my birthday, my equipment, the seattle DnB scene, moving back to VA, visits up north. So many things.

Writing entries doesn't really make me feel worse or better about things. S'not like putting them here absolves me of my saddness. I guess s'only really something to do to pass the time until I can sleep again.

Life is so empty for me. In general, my health is really good. I sometimes conspire that s'that way to remind me that I'll never get away from being unhappy. I get to experience all of it without any limitation. S'never enough that s'truly terrible but I don't ever feel joy either. Almost everything I loved has been stripped from me. I get to be in perfect condition so that i can watch it all slip away.

If it were to drive me to a life of crime and debauchery then I would think myself a lesser man. Though, my ideals stop me from giving in to madness. what's left though? Intelligent retrospect on the facets of life that aren't working? If I wer to related how my life felt to me I could only best describe it as Seattle's weather. Generally jus' warm enough not to snow. Generally too cold to be really hot. Almost never heavy rain or thunderstorms. s'almost always a mute gray. Over cast. Drizzly. I'll admit, that right now, I want to cry. to think that everything's like that in my world. As if the sun doesn't shine for me. The rain won't fall for me. It seems that I won't smile for the world either.

Does the man who feels he has nothing have the right to be selfish? I bet not. Yet, I do. I feel selfish and disgusted for wanting a few simple things. Things that I can't afford.

Call me paranoid but I've walked through life feeling that something out there doesn't want me to be happy.

If.

2008-08-14T07:50:43Z

Save a soldier and send me to Iraq instead.

Courtney and Shariff

2008-07-19T05:11:06Z

Hi guys. It's Shourtney, we're @ Aimee's birthday party, doin' our thing (erm... "thang"). Havin' a great time and boozin' too much (actually that's jus' Courtney). She says "ummm, I dunno" (followed by a "hehehe"... -_-). She still doesn't know, and I don't 'ave anything better to say. Yup. MMhhmm.

...

Goodbye world, have a good night.

Yours dually,
Shortney

PS: This was mainly dictated by Courtney and typed, uh ad-libbed, by Shariff.

PPS: She said "Ok!"

Further down

2008-06-26T03:28:43Z

Bah.

Closer to the bottom. Never better, forever worse. I truly wish I never exsisted. I thought I was past this depression bullshit. I really did. Everything was going to be alright. I was going to be a happy person, a better person. I'm not, and I'm further away from it than ever. I'm losing everything that I ever loved. I enjoy nothing. I'm bitter, pessimistic, sad.

I want to walk into traffic. Jump off a bridge. Put myself in harms way for no valiant reason. I want to commit the most selfish act. I don't want to be here. I don't really want to be anywhere. There's nothing good in this world. If there is then I"m too selfish to appreciate it. I'm a loser. Worthless.

S'all so ridiculous. I've met my limit again. Being optimistic and keeping my head up hasn't helped me at all. Nothing's changed. Back to where I started. No happiness in sight. No hope in grasp.

I'm a loveless wreck. Broken in spirit and in wallet.

FUCK. I even feel as if I'm failing writing this. This crap. This pathetic bullshit. It will never get better for me.

I Still Function ::OR:: Oh Eff

2008-06-09T13:58:17Z

So, I'm still alive. Well, if that's what you wanna call it. Things are pretty damn lame, actually. No "real" job, still trying though. I'm almost entirely out of money. Not to mention, because of free loaders and other stuff, we can't afford rent. Basically, we're evicted in 2 weeks or less. Gah.

If you've not noticed, s 6:44 AM. Some may say: "Why Shariff, it's a rare sight indeed to see you up so early." to which I reply "Grararararrrr (Bitch, I can't sleep...)". Well, I've "work" in about 5 hours, I guess I'm done trying to sleep.

I'm in a slump. A bit different from the "Oh man, so alone" rut I'm always in. This one is jus' general unhappiness. Wait... Okae, so, I was pretty unhappy to begin with. Now I'm unhappy AND dissatisfied. I'm jus' gonna 'ave to keep pushin' the job thing till it works. If it doesn't work in due time then... I dunno. Maybe move back in with mum... Arg.

I'm not sure if I've told you. I h8 Seattle. Not nearly as much as VA but still, not happy about this place. The scenery, the people, the nightlife. I'm through with it all. I've got friends here, jus' as I do with any other place but, I don't belong here. I'll find where I belong eventually. I'm confident that s' definitely not Seattle though. Probably not even in the Northwest, for that matter.

I know you've not missed me. I mean, I've not posted in like, 5 months? Bah, I may as well now, as I've soooooo much "free" time on my hands.

I'm sure I've some good news but I can't think of it at the moment. S'probably something tiny anyway.

T_T,
00000000

PS: Comments still disabled Jus' message of IM me or something if you've somethin to say.

Naz is right...

2008-02-05T10:01:56Z

He really is. Naz, is my twenty-year-old younger brother. He believes that him and I are misunderstood. Misread. He's completly correct, as far as I'm concerned. we hate to lie... but we really don't want you to feel bad. we DO try to hide things, but only becuase they won't raise questions or concerns. When it comes to someone who is special to us, we know what the deal is... yet, seven harder to hide the real truth from them. No, our lives are not suffering because we're without you. You will never understand. We're built to survive. we will keep doing so... nothing is "that bad". Honest. We don't want a pity party becuase we're creatures of logic... We KNOW that anyone's pity does NOTHING. Life will continue on regardless of wether or not we are happy... Regardless of whether or not you are there to aid our happiness. Yes, you're NOT there... we know this. Whatever, really. Please know that if you keep in contact and we know you're happy, our hearts will not stutter. We understand that the world does not revolve around us. We understand that every life is individual. We will forever see you as beautiful and we will forever only want you to be happy. Each and every one who is dear to us. We are creatures of logic, understanding, and sacrifice. The ends DO justify the means... If you are happy then we are grateful. S'not hard to understand. We give you an open mind, we can only hope that you give us one in return. We are and will be judged. We know this.... it happens constantly. We don't expect anyone to understand. We jus' want you to be happy. Apologies for looking/acting down. S'a bit to handle... Don't pity. Don't think that we want pity or remorse. We don't even WANT you to care. We really jus' want to see you smile.

It feels good.

We're selfish like that. Somehow, we grew up that way. We're selfish in the fact that we want people, who are special to us, to be happy. If everyone around us is happy, then everything is good. We don't expect you to understand. We don't expect anything. In fact, we generally know that we won't be understood. We're foolish and try anyway... It is impossible to be honest as well as keep everyone happy. This is a global truth.

Jus' leave us be. Live YOUR life. don't factor us in. Well, don't factor us in if it is in a negative connotatioin. Don't care about us becuasse we always care about you. Please, jus' hear what I"m saying and don't question it. We are fully capable of sustaining ourselves.

The more I write, the bigger the whole I dig. Just smile for me. Smile for Naz. We will be there to pick ourselves up. We will be there to pick you up. We trust you, so trust us.

Le Sigh

2007-11-23T01:56:30Z

RJD2: Making Days Longer

It's nice to hear you say "hello."
And how are things with you, I love you
But very soon it's time to go
An office job to do, I'm up here writing songs for you

It's nice hear your voice again
I've waited all day long, even wrote a song for you
It's strange the way you make me feel, with just a word or two
I'd like to do the same for you

Strange how a phonecall can change your day, take you away
Away from the feeling of being alone, pass the telephone

It's nice to hear you say "hello."
And how are things with you, I love you
But very soon it's time to go
An office job to do, I'm up here writing songs for you

It's nice hear your voice again
I've waited all day long, even wrote a song for you
It's strange the way you make me feel with just a word or two
I'd like to do the same for you

Strange how a phonecall can change your day, take you away
Away from the feeling of being alone, pass the telephone

4 Years in WA.

2007-11-13T19:33:50Z

Pretty much been in Seattle for four years now. I can state that the quality of my lifestyle is better. My level of happiness? Not-so-much. I'd be lying to say that I've not run into moments where I've found myself happy. Top of the world even. So, yah, I s'pose that's all that I can report. Life's still pretty lame but it has s'moments.

Ugh. why am I even still here?

Fitting theme...

2007-11-01T04:02:53Z

Logistics- Machine

If you dont hurt me then I wont hurt you.
Im a machine, I got feelings too.
Since we said goodbye, its all seemed blue.
Somethings missing, what am I supposed to do.
-----

Happy Halloween...
00000000

Kinda feel like crying.

2007-10-22T05:30:52Z

Though, crying doesn't really help anything.

S'one of those times when it feels that everything I do is wrong. S'totally got me down. Tonight, for instance... S'posed to be open decks @ LSC. I got my gear together, slected rekkids, called a cab, got there and it was CLOSED. Cabbed back... 22$ down... BAH. Not to mention, last night, Justing (3rd room mate) freaked-the-fuck-out and tried to bust down BOTH of Aaron's doors. Motherfucker was all aggro over "noise". Bullshit becuase he chose that room, even noted the problems with noise. Not to mention, no issuess for 8 months now. If anything, Aaron should be the one complaining as Justin and his girlfriend 'ave hilarious loud sex down there. Let's see, what else? I had people over on Fridae but I was wayyy late and most of them had gone... I felt like a bitch for inviting people over and not being there. Work's been alright... less stressful, but the other parts of my life are jus' making it hard for me to focus.

Then there's Sarah. the girl is fucking perfect. Reallyreally, everything I want in a girl. EVERYTHING. I can't read her at all though, and s'killing me on the inside. I wanna feel that things are going well and that she's not heading in the same direction that allllllllllllllll the others 'ave. I want to know that she's not losing interest. I want to know that she simply adores me. I can't tell though. She's some stressful things going right now. I'm telling myself to give her time and space. I don't want to be inconvenient. She's so great though. Her existence nullifies all that I've learn about what my life is. Soooo many things were jus' wrong with the world Sarah though? I don't understand it. S'almost as if someone reached into my mind and pulled her out. I dunno if she'll ever see this, maybe better that she doesn't. I'd hate for her to think I'm a creep when in reality I am entirely enamored with her.

I saved a text that she sent me to help restore my faith in the world and myself whenever I need it: "Fuck napping. Id rather hang out with you."

She's so fucking perfect.
00000000

Wow.

2007-10-18T21:10:45Z

I'm sorry.

Butaga Tanderu

2007-10-17T23:47:24Z

Yes: Butaga Tanderu.

Japanese and roughly translated as "Pigs are flying". I've reserved use of the phrase for a moment in my life, so utterly amazing that it would warrant none other than Flying Pigs.

Let's start with the most notable subject: Sarah. Sarah is p.e.r.f.e.c.t, really really. I'm sooo utterly twitterpated! Seeing her is like christmas every time. I'm so astounded that she exsists, even more so that I get to smooche her, and further confounded that she's actually into ME... me of all people! Sundae night, I met up with her and we played a few games @ gameworks. Then went to catch a movie. Nooooothing was playing so we went to Resident Evil: Extinction. Yes, we were totally aware of the obvious suckage that would entail. Although, we kneeeeeeeeeeew that it'd be so bad that it'd be entertaining. This held true. Although, Sarah got a bonus! I'm a total pansy when it comes to scary movies so she got a kick about me being jumpy. Rofl. Whatever works. Glad to make her smile. I was afraid that she'd think I was a pansy or something. Nope, she jus' found it cute. HA. After that, the unexpected happened. She invited me over. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, it was great! We spent the night playing games! She showed me her records and alllll over her cool movies. She's got lovely taste! Also, her library of games is really good. Fuck, I'm soooo damn fortunate. She also introduced me to her good friend Eric, and his GF. Good people. Eric's pretty dope. Not to mention, he uses CuBase! Badasssss! The rest of the night was more gaming and a lot of talking. It was like a dream. A really good dream. I can't take my eyes or mind off of her. All night, I was fixated on how wonderful she is. Again, I'm suuuch a sap!

Speaking of which! She read my last entry, right in front of me, on my fone. HA! Wow, I felt really silly. Kinda embarrassed. I was soooo surprised that she found it cute, or endearing. *Phew* All of these things that I do that could possibly be "deal-breakers" or make me look dumb, she ends up being okae with. Did I mention that I'm so fortunate? Color me enamored.

Oi! I"ll finish my story in a bit. I've a work meeting then I've lunch. I"mma go surprise Sarah @ work with presents! My fone died last night, leading to some misunderstandings. I've always wanted to bring her goodies at work so this kinda works out. Be back soon!

*Fast forward 2 hours*

Sooooo... It didn't work out as well as I had thought. She still seemd kinda dejected. Although, it'd be selfish for me to think that she wasn't feeling to great becuase of me. I mean, she did talk about how her back was killing her and how work was hard this morning. Coupled with what happened last night, I can't really expect to make her feel better with a gift. *Le Sigh*

Anyway, back to Sundae night. We also watched her favorite Anime movie, Perfect Blue. S'really good! Eventually it got really late, like almost 4am. She hadn't kicked me out. YAY. Later, she told me I could stay. Which I did! It was soooo lovely sleeping there, despite the fact that we didn't sleep 'till about 6am. I was up 2 hours later, for work. Work wasn't extremely bad. Luckily I had... wait... I was over on Mondae night, not Sundae. HA! So, that was yesterdae morning that I was there. Heh. The best part about the dae was that my clothes still smelled like her. Mmmmmm...

Does that sound creepy?

Hmmm, well, another piece of amazing news is that Capcom announced Street Fighter Four. My god. I"m so excited. So many wonderful things going on.

Well, now we're up to todae. Todae's... not so great. Least work is going by fast and the call volume hasn't been crazy. My hair suuuucks todae, though. Among other things. Maybe it'll all get better...

*Le Sigh*

BEST NIGHT EVER AKA Too soon to tell

2007-10-15T23:12:04Z

who would've thought that I would've stumbled upon such a perfect girl. She's really amazing, really really. I don't exactly know where to begin. Yeah, I'll admit that we've known each other for a week but there's a lot of promise... I'd really like things to work out becuase she's exactly what I want in a woman. S'unbelievable.

First off, we had a date! Last Fridae. Chose to keep it simple. Originally, we were gonna jus' go out for pie. I dunno much about Seattle foods (I'll eat most of it!) so I ran a web search on "Best Pie Seattle". Kept seeing Dahlia Lounge. I go to thier bakery to get Cookies and such and they're really good. Never went to the actual resturant though. So, it was decided... Nearly a week in advance too! Originally, the plan was to meet @ 7pm but I found that Dahlia was an upperclass joint so I had to make a reservation... Could only get 9:15. After that was sorted out, we decided to get food to kill some time. I chose Bimbos as I've only eaten there once and 'ave not been there since they changed locales.

The week slowly grinded towards Fridae...

...then Fridae slothly moved onward. It was EXCRUCIATING.

FINALLY, I was out of work. Hung out @ Westlake to check my schedule, visit my girls. Found out that Joslyn's last dae was Fridae. Lamies. Other than that, all was well! Went to Gameworks for about 15 minutes beforehand, nearly brimming with excitement. 7pm came and I rushed out to meet her.

Man, she's beautiful. Really really. I am still in disbelief that things are, currently, working out. We walked up the hill, to Bimbos, chatting about every-little-thing. Found that we've some similar aquaintences and there's interesting random stories that we both know but were not around at the same time. Crazy. Smally city, Seattle. We arrived at Bimbos, seatting was awkward but it worked. I focused on jus' trying to be myself and pulling no punches. I had such a great time! Although, I explain myself too much, it seems... Though, I get soooo nervous around her. Then, when I do the right thing, I catch myself thinking about how wonderful it all is. I'm such a sap.

Annnyway! Afterwards, we went to Platinum records to look at vinyl. Yah, she actually LIKES eletronic music... Breaks, preferably. Fucking a.w.e.s.o.m.e. That was a good place to go. She bought a new Crystal Mthod EP which had, get this a remix of New Order's True Faith! That's one of my most favorite tracks!!! And she's a BIG fan of New Order.

Damnit, she rocks.

On our way to Dahlia Lounge, she had to drop by her work place. I'd never been there. It was pretty lively. Then on to Dahlia where we were still 15 minutes early! So, more talking about everything ensued. I s'pose I could gripe about the fact that she smokes but s' actually not an issue. Strange, na? Well, she hardly smopkes, first off. Respects the fact that I do not smoke, secondly. Not to mention, she still smells lovely! Mmmm... I dunno how that works. Maybe becuase she smokes Turkish delights. Wouldn't be near pleasent if they were regular cigs. We talked until it was time to go in, I kept wandering, mentally, about how great she is. She loves video games too. I can't find a complaint.

Oh yeah, A-line haircut AND glasses. A fucking dream. <3

We found, to our disappointment, that Dahlia lounge only has one kind of pie... Coconut cream pie. Blech. T'was lovely that we could both agree. ;] We, also, ended up deciding on the same desert. A flourless chocolate cake. Jesus, it was amazing. It worked out soooooo well. Not to mention the look on her face after she ate it. Soooo content. I was pleased, and surprised, that it worked out!

After that, I couldn't tell if I was getting the hint that "our night" was over. She, invited me to 'ave a drink with her while she waited for friends to get off of work. Hell, the more time with her the better. So We hung out there, I met her best friend, who's really qewl. She has a great personality. I s'pose you could say she's something between a "livewire" and "animated". S'great. They also compliment one another's personalities. I also met a Coworker of hers. Real nice fellow. Ended up hanging out there until 12 pm, much longer than I had anticipated. I s'pose there was a "bumpy spot" where the cook of the place was al up on her, but I'm doing my best t disregard that. Stay qewl and be yourself, that was my plan. I"ve not altered from that since. In fact, all I need do is remind myself that I'm one of the most level-headed people I know, then I can let everything pan out.

I then walked them home, she locked arms with me, I hid my excitement. We ariived, and I said my goodbais... I wanted to kiss her so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so bad. I didn't though. Played it "safe" even though, who knows what's safe in that situation.

We ended up seeing eachother the next dae, meeting up downtown and going to the Seattle Center for genereal time together. Then back to my place to play games! First, I gave her a tour of the place. Then we played with the records and turntables for a bit, I"ve offered any of my equipment and unused records to her. Hopefullly she'll be able to make use of my stuff <333

Wow, playing games with girls is so good. Especially when they know what they're doing. I was stunned that she knew commands in CvS2. Albeit, she was kinda mashy when it came to supers but she knew what she wanted to do. Much better than most I've known, man or woman, that claim they can play fighting games. The night went on and we eventually ended up kinda cuddling under a blanket, on the couch, while Aaron played Smash Brothers. Mmmmmmmm. Bliss. It came time for her to go, as she was to meet with friends for the night. I walked her to the bus stop.

Only a few moments passed and then it was time for her to go. We parted ways with a kiss. I melted, wasn't even able to give her an intelligible sentence as she stepped onto the bus. I'm soooo enamored. Bursting with energy, I burned it off by running halfway home @ full speed. Later that night, I went to Onset, with Aaron and Garrett. I was on cloud 9, despite how rushed the kiss was.

*Le sigh* Please let things work out. Please please please. Everything I want in a girl, I've found.

She's so very lovely.

Jinxing myself real hard.

2007-10-12T18:05:24Z

There may very well be a light at the end of my 4-year-long tunnel. Holy shit.

Holy shit, indeed. S'jus' hitting me. All of it. Yodae may very well be the longest work dae of my life. Once s'over, BAM, who knows. I can't even 'ave anything else on my mind. S'pretty sweet, actually. Stuck in an infinite loop... not a bad one at that.

I've been feeling much better with myself. Disappointment be damned. Even though, I guess I'm kinda at the "bottom" of my current life. Things 'ave a slight chance of getting better. Sure, the summer sun is gone and all that's said is done. Though, things can get better. Well, correction, thay can always be better. Chance are jus' scarce. This is definitely a chance for the better.

I've been so preoccupied with the goodness of it all, I've kinda slacked off a bit at home and at work. I did do laundry but I did not clean my room. Still. Blahhhh. I really need to pick up and install those shelves but I've been caught up in it. I s'pose s'no big deal so far as I don't 'ave anyone over, right? Heh, s'really jus' clothes and random articles that need to be put away. There's no trash, etc etc.

I've been so utterly joyus this week. S'much unlike me. Generally, I"m prety... well... flat. Especially as I'm lacking money and things to do. It doesn't matter right now though! Nothing really matters this week, far as I'm concerned; s'all good. Tonight's the apex of it all, that's for sure.

Although, there's the ever looming fear of failure. I don't want it to bother me though, and t he funny thing is: I have inner peace. Sure, my mind is racing, doubling-over itself on that one thought but, I feel okae. Normally, I would be scared. In the past, I was. Scared for my life... Okae, exaggeration. Still, I was frightened. I went through things and repeatedly made mistakes. Failure was imminent. Todae though, failure seems a distant memory. My real, logical, side nudges me to remember not to "count my chickens before they hatch" which is nomally the one I listen to. Not tonight. I want to try going with the otherside of myself. The superhero side. The part of me that feels invincible, He says all the right things, at all the right times. When he slips, he can play it off, using a folley to his advantage. He's not optimistic by any means, jus' absorbed in making things good. Somehow, he feels okae with it all. Punches come and he rolls with them. Rather unlike the current me.

I take punches to the face. I use fortitude and endurance. Not wit and quickness. I think that if I can reverse the priorities of my personalities, I may be a better man. Currently, I've been playing it safe and cursing the heavens later. Let's change that tonight. Let's make destiny. Or, at least, let us make good with destiny. For tonight, I'm going to be the man I can be... not the man I am.

They got me...

2007-10-05T00:00:27Z

1. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
2. Tag seven people to do the same.

-I like walls. I'll lay against them. They feel good, coll, and sturdy.
-I find english children to be extremely annoying.
-If people are laughing, my first mental reaction is that they are laughing at me.
-I've been single since Nov 2003. Nearly 4 years now.
-I've a thing for a female cockney accent. I dunno why but I love it.
-I didn't start drinking until I turned 21.
-If left alone, I'll sleep for at least 12 hours. Possibly related; I've sleep apnea and I stop breathing in my sleep.

Seven people:
1-7 Meh, jus' participate if you want to.

Geez.

2007-09-18T00:47:18Z

I found out, todae, that Colin McRae (along with his son and two others) died.

Man... ;[

Null Zero.

2007-09-12T19:46:15Z

I don't ever want to wake up. I've less motivation to get up with each passing dae. Almost nothing seems worth it anymore. Purpose, meaning, belonging... all null.

Hard times, I s'pose. Room mate still doesn't 'ave a job, so more money out of my pocket. Don't get it twisted, taking care of us both isn't an issue in my mind... I"m jus' at the end of my finanacial line. Currently, I don't even know if the check I wrote to our landlord will pass. Without food, passion, or love to distract me; all I see is the grind. Going to sleep and waking up, in an empty, king-size, bed... alone. Riding the bus home alone, to come home to, well, no one. Scrolling through my phonebook without many people I feel up to talking to. Hell, what am I going to tell them that they don't already know? "Yes, I still work for Speakeasy." "No, I don't 'ave a girlfriend." "No, I don't 'ave any plans for the weekend."... Add to that, the fact that I"m not really eating anything and my mood is stuck on "down". The self-preservation component within me tells me that feeling good won't change the fact that you will sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and repeat your dae. Therein lies the other issue, sleep. I'm not sleeping well at all. Waking up at random, strange dreams, general lack of rest. I'm waking up feeling exhausted... Sometimes much more tired than I was when I went to sleep. Apathy is at an all time high. I don't care about everything more than I normally do. I'm 'aving increased trouble in seeing the merit of even being alive.

Everything seems soo off. Everything I do. Even my own thoughts. All of it reflects the thick, grey, Seattle sky.

Normally, I'd eat and sleep myself to being okae with my situation, but I can't even do that right at the moment. Can't do anything right...

Even if I could cry, it doesn't do anything. Tomorrow would come and everything would be the same. I don't wanna feel like this. I don't want to live like this.

This is where, you, the reader tells me that I need medication. That I should see a doctor or a therapist. Then I tell you that the only medication I will ever consider taking will be that which ends my life.

So we agree to disagree. I will continue going to work, coming home, sleeping, and waking up to repeat it all. I'll fill my free time with whatever I can. Dancing, games, music, eating.

Oh yes.

2007-09-11T23:49:10Z

Daft Punk: Around the World

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world

Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world
Around the world, around the world.

</3, 00000000 AKA "Haste!" -End.Transmission-

Writer's Block: Time Travel

2007-08-28T16:34:18Z

If you could travel back in time to spend a day with someone, who would it be and why?

Hahah, Courtney... There's no guiessing that.

Melancholy Reverie

2007-08-21T20:38:04Z

I wonder if this is the feeling that brings down nations. The lust for destruction... aspirations of erasure. Maybe it was only a hunger for power that fueled them. Though, I wonder, had any wanted so bad to nullify an exsistance?

I don't want to share this terrible feeling. This gaping void. No one should 'ave to 'ave this inside of them. Could I take comfort in the fact that I'm the host of this dreadful sentiment?

"Better me than them"

It feels so cold, beneath my skin. Though not possibly, I entertain the thought that I am becoming stone. My hollow, empty insides, incased with cold-hard material, wrapped in flesh. I close my eyes and the thoughts echo forever.

I honestly try to do better. I shouldn't feel this way, no one should. Yet, it persists. No matter what I do, I do it wrong. I aim, shoot, and miss. I can feel myself spiraling further into unhappiness. I invest much time, money, and energy into pursuing that which diminishes this empty feeling. Recently I've burnt, a combined, 2 days and over $600... Now, my bank account is as empty as I feel inside. It doesn't help morale to give something a genuine try only to lose miserably. Kicked when your, down, salt in the wound, insult to injury. Why would you want to kill someone that already felt dead?

CLosing a door, opening a window... in the end, the foundation is still crumbling. No comfort. A home with a room with a bed. A bed which I don't fill too well. My warmth wasted, as all of that space. Words that leave my mouth, fall on no ears. Go to bed alone, wake up alone.

Where is the power button? Just shut the system down completly.

-End.Transmission-